It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
