Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
