If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
