I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
