i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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