Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
