i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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