i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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