I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
