It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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