new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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