God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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