there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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