My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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