so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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