why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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