Yo dont text me then not text me
I think my fart just growled at me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
