it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
