My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
