I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
