I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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