First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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