News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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