The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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