remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
