he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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