You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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