today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
