You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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