is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
