I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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