you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
