I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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