I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
