In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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