Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
