sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
