Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
