i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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