someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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