i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
