This is not my ceiling
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
