I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
