Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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