i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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