She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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