I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
