Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
