Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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