I think my vagina is haunted
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
