He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
