the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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