I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
