I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think my moral compass just broke
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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