I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
