I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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